FIRST Minister’s Questions started with a bang as, in the general session which precedes it, Scottish Green Andy Wightman raised the eternal concern of “very audible sex”.
Specifically, the Lothians MSP wanted to know what could be done about a surge in holiday lets in Edinburgh’s Old Town, some of them apparently rented to indoor athletic teams.
“Very audible sex parties have taken place in the flat above one constituent,” he complained.
Not only does this disturb people’s sleep, it also plays havoc with the joists, I’m told.
“I sympathise with the people in the stories that Andy Wightman gave us,” said housing minister Kevin Stewart ambiguously.
“Perhaps Mr Wightman could urge the residents to engage in the current planning consultation?” Or maybe just stream it on the internet.
After that, the proceedings seemed to wilt somewhat.
Tory leader Ruth Davidson got the hump over businesses paying business rates.
This outrageous novelty was an affront to hard-working tax-shy companies, she reckoned.
Nicola Sturgeon said the biggest headache for businesses was being dragged out the EU.
“Whenever the FM is under pressure, she runs to Brexit,” sneered Ms Davidson, before reaching for her own comfort blanket of a second independence referendum.
Kezia Dugdale then pummelled the FM over the state of the NHS, but far more interesting was the fact three SNP backbenchers felt the need to raise local health and care problems.
There was a startled frisson in the chamber, as if the robots has started rebelling in Westworld.
It was left to Tory Murdo Fraser to restore some normality to the session, ie silliness.
The economic think tank the Fraser of Allander Institute (no relation) had just said the Scottish budget had gone up a juicy 0.4 per cent since 2010-11, he cheered.
It had also accused the SNP of using “selective data” in its budget to big up its arguments rather than inform debate.
“Will the FM take the opportunity to apologise for all the disgraceful spin?” he asked.
Ms Sturgeon smiled, never a good sign.
“I was really hoping that Murdo Fraser would get up and ask about this,” she said, “because it is a spectacular own goal.”
She then quoted the institute saying real spending was down 5 per cent, and Mr Fraser’s “measly 0.4 per cent” was based on esoteric accounting bumf.
“I knew the Tories frequently live in fantasy land, but I am not sure how they think we can fund the health service or education system with money that is not real.”
Mr Fraser moaned, red-faced, but to no avail. Like the orgiasts of old Edinburgh, it seems he is cursed to be forever audible, but never truly satisfied.
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