THERE was a lot of restless grumbling at FMQs, as if everyone in the chamber had just realised the wrong turn they’d taken in life.

“I don’t expect reverential silence,” said Presiding Officer Ken Macintosh stirring from his semi-permanent coma, “but there should be no chuntering.”

Otherwise, it was familiar stuff - Ruth Davidson went on crime, Kezia Dugdale on health, Willie Rennie on police, and Nicola Sturgeon went on the rampage.

The bright spots were two backbenchers, starting with Nat John Mason, who fretted over men being shy about check-ups for cancer.

“I have to confess I am one of them,” he added. Ms Sturgeon’s rictus

as she tried to erase the mental image of Mr Mason bracing for a prostate exam was absolutely priceless.

Then Tory newbie Maurice Golden took the kamikaze route to Holyrood glory by asking the FM why she spent £136,000 on her failed legal intervention on Article 50.

Ms Sturgeon said it was “absolutely essential” to get stuck in and confirm the Sewel Convention was mince, and it definitely wasn’t a stunt, no sir, not at all.

And by the way, how much did Theresa May spend on her doomed Article 50 appeal?

Young Maurice then lurched into a clanking gag about a TV quiz.

“This is like a game of ‘Jeopardy!’ The answer is, ‘Brexit, Westminster and the Tories’. What is the question? Any question you ask this First Minister,” he said, to universal cries of “Whit?”

As Slow Mo dawdled further and further from making a point, Ms Davidson started an eye-rolling blether with her deputy Jackson Carlaw. Big mistake.

“We always know when Ruth Davidson is completely embarrassed by one of her back benchers, because she starts having a completely separate conversation,” said Ms Sturgeon.

“I sympathise with her, because I would have been embarrassed by that question as well, if it had been asked by one of my back benchers.”

Mr Davidson asked if the FM would answer him. “Don’t you worry,” she replied, before dismantling Mr G atom by atom. At the end, the SNP benches gave his remains a warm round of applause. For an epitaph, I think ‘Golden by name, leaden by nature’ is still available.