That sinking feeling

IT’S tricky when politicians try to use slang. Alex Cole-Hamilton, the Liberal Democrat MSP, said the UK Government must “dingy” Donald Trump’s visit, using the Scots slang for ignore. Unfortunately his press release said we must “dinghy” him – unless Alex is suggesting we should simply cast adrift the US President in a small craft.

Trumped at airport

LOTS of anger about the proposed trip to Britain by Mr Trump. Rather than ban him, comedy writer David Baddiel proposes: “I personally think it’d be funnier to let Donald come but hold him at the airport because he comes from a country that promotes terrorism.”

Sink or swim

WE mentioned the sad death of the redoubtable Tam Dalyell, and former colleague Dennis Canavan recalls: “As a young teacher at Bo’ness Academy, Tam was initially given a hard time by some of the rougher elements who did not quite take to his Old Etonian style. Tam later escaped to get a job on the school ship Dunera as Deputy Director of Studies with responsibility for discipline. This led to the yarn that his former pupils at Bo’ness were reluctant to come on board, in case Tam took revenge by making them walk the plank.”

Philosophically speaking

THE things readers ask. “Did you know there was a joke about the famous Scottish philosopher David Hume?” says a caller yesterday.

So here goes: Student: Who is your favourite philosopher? Professor: It’s Hume. Student: Sorry. Whom is your favourite philosopher?”

Well, I liked it.

Scot free

OUR tales of being helped by fellow Scots remind John Crawford in Lytham: “Years ago we arrived off a ferry in Newhaven in East Sussex after a fortnight driving in France. My wife had gone overboard in the hypermarkets and had stashed bottles of wine in every available bit of the car. I’d warned her we were well over the allowance and if we were caught I intended to blame it all on her.

“Of course we were stopped and the Customs Officer said, ‘Hiv ye’s anythin tae declare?’ My wife said, ‘Naw, ah’m jist knackered wi a’ the travelin’ and a long drive ahead o’s us.’ ‘Well ye’s had better get oan wi it’ and he waved us through.”

Septuagenarian fun

RIVER City’s Gary Lamont, who is appearing in 69 Shades Of Gay at Oran Mor, Glasgow, in a week’s time, was confused when an elderly relative expressed an interest in seeing the show. She said it would be great to see a play that focused on fun things to do as you approach 70.

Brotherly love

WE like tales of family disputes. Says Ian Power: “Although we both deny it, our mother says me and my brother have always been competitive with each other. I denied it more than him though.”

It’s a cheap trick

WE asked what song Nicola Sturgeon would dance to if she ever went on Strictly Come Dancing, and Matt Vallance observes: “With the way the Budget debate is going, Nicola could dance to Rod Stewart’s The First Cut Is The Deepest.”

Or Cheap Tricks’ Won’t Take No For An Answer (Stewart Daniels).

Or Papa Roache’s Getting Away With Murder (George Wallace).