2016 in a nutshell
SO, how do you sum up this annus horribilis? Twitter user Jon Pigeon has an admirable go (and thanks to Foster Evans for bringing it to our attention).
“My review of 2016. Someone Died. Someone Died. Someone Died. Someone Died. Stupid Vote. Someone Died. Stupid Vote. Someone Died. Christmas.”

A seat of one’s own
NOTICE spotted in Vancouver: “A nickel will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat”.

Briefs encounter
ONE of John Mulholland’s Leeds-based colleagues has just been transferred to a new department, so the Glasgow team arranged for her to receive M&S flowers on the morning of their last telephone conference.
But during the call she said she was perplexed as she had received a parcel from Norma, the team’s PA, containing men’s novelty underpants.
It turns out that Norma had ordered the pants as a joke gift for her nephew from the same supplier she got the bouquet from, but had omitted to alter the delivery address. It’s not often you can say that M&S flowers are pants, observes John.

Will Santa cut Celtic’s lead?
JOHN also mentions that a ticket collector on his train asked a passenger what he was asking Santa for. “Fourteen points,” the man replied. Reflects John: “I suppose that’s what you give the Rangers supporter who has almost everything.”

Childs’ play for Pacino
BY public demand, today’s selection of film-titles-minus-one-letter.
l Het: Pacino and DeNiro go head-to-head in testosterone-fuelled game of tig.
l Far From the Adding Crowd:  accountant looks forward to the festive break (both Bobby Dunn)
l Oldeneye: James Bond visits the opticians as he can’t see his enemies clearly (Frances Woodward)
l Oldfinger: ageing MI6 agent’s licence to kill is revoked due to his arthritic digits
l Brie Encounter: stoic, ill-fated  romance starts with a chance meeting at the Waitrose cheese counter (both John Harkin)
l Trzan: a Polish boy’s adventure in the jungle (Bill Cowan)
l Zorba the Geek: a tale of the famous Athenian computer hacker
l Hello Doll: a musical set in Maryhill (both Roy Crichton)
l Planet of the Aps: sci-fi tale of a future world ruled by mobile phones (David Donaldson)
l Pus in Boots: feline bacteriological meltdown (Alastair Clark)
l Pandora and the Lying Dutchman: an erotic film of love and deception (Russell Smith).
The prize is a champagne dinner for two at the Urban Bar & Brasserie in Glasgow’s St Vincent Place.

A real snip
SIGNS you are getting older, more of.
Ken Gebbie, waiting for a haircut at a barbers’ in East Kilbride’s village, saw on the price-list that a gent’s cut would cost him £8.
The task done, Ken offered a tenner and was offered £5 in change. When he pointed to the price-list his hairdresser replied: “No, that’s fine – I didn’t have a lot of work to do”. 
Ken didn’t quite know how to take this but after leaving a tip he at least felt happy that he’d saved a few quid. 

And finally ...
A MERRY Christmas to all Diary readers, without whom this column would be an unforgiving blank space, day after day.