A fishy fella
YEARS ago reader James Bradley was a regular reveller in the watering holes of Glasgow.
One night, after staggering from the pub, he and a chum bought portions of fish and chips, to soak up the beer they’d been drinking.
Outside the chippy a bedraggled tramp muttered: “Goat oany spare change, guys?”
All that James had in his wallet was his taxi fare home. Being a charitable fellow, he offered the tramp his fish and chips.
The mendicant grabbed the munchies, took a tentative nibble of the fish, then growled: “That’s cod, pal. I only eat haddock.”
With a shrug, he added in a more conciliatory tone: “I can just aboot handle the chips, though.”
Milking it
DAIRY can be scary.
In yesterday’s Diary we discussed a woman who is averse to dating blokes who sport something she mysteriously refers to as "milky feet".
Musing about both the milk and the feet, reader Steve Taylor says: “I wonder if this means the lady is lactose intolerant… or lack toes intolerant?”
A hairy situation
BAR-ROOM badinage.
Reader Norman Duffy was enjoying a tipple in a local hostelry when a young chap swaggered up to the bar sporting a splendiferous moustache, making the fine fellow look like very much like an Edwardian military veteran.
The bar manager, who has a reputation for cheeking customers, glanced at the fuzzy appendage and said: “Have you got a permit for that thing you’re building on your face?”
Swanky swigging
ANOTHER tale from the boozer.
Peter Wright from West Kilbride recalls an English pal requesting a lager and lime at a less than salubrious Glasgow bar.
"Sorry son," sniffed the barman, "we don't do cocktails."
Church funds
THE world of finance.
It was reported this week that Welsh warbler Charlotte Church is not quite so rich as she once was, and has admitted that she’s no longer a millionaire.
“I wish I was no longer a millionaire,” confides reader Debbie Lewis, “because that would mean I once was a millionaire.”
Silence is golden
HOW to impress your other half, Chapter 1…
Reader Robert Gardner mentioned to his beloved: “There are two Ochs in Lochwinnoch.”
After a lengthy silence she left the room. Doubtlessly to write this valuable information in her diary, to be captured for all posterity.
Bull-ying cows
WE’VE just received some shocking news.
Reader Julie McDonald says: “I read that cows kill more people than sharks. Frankly, I'm surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.”
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