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Welcome to the Herald Diary newsletter by Lorne Jackson. Going strong for half a century, The Diary finds the sublime and the ridiculous in Scottish life.
📖👉 Send your jokes and observations to thediary@theherald.co.uk
In yesterday’s Diary we discussed Germany, a country famous for lederhosen, the only gents’ clothing that is less fetching than Lycra cycling shorts.
If itchy knee-length leather breeches had been the German people’s solitary gift to the world we may have eventually forgiven them this indiscretion.
Regrettably, they also gave us two world wars.
In an episode of the1970s TV show, Fawlty Towers, comic actor John Cleese lampooned the Teutonic nation’s military history by allowing his long legs to flail fabulously in a mock version of the goosestep.
Diary reader Chris Robertson, perhaps unwisely, showed a YouTube clip of this famous scene to a German pal.
For a moment Chris was worried that his friend would be furious.
But after a puzzled pause he merely shrugged, then said: “That’s what I like about your country. We fought two wars against Britain and you get revenge by going for a stroll.”
Unfortunate reader Dan Harrison suffers from the uncomfortable condition eczema, which means that he often scratches his itchy arms, resulting in small flakes of skin scattering around him.
Dan doesn’t allow it to affect his social life and regularly plays poker with chums.
Once he was glaring at his cards when a pal grinned, and said: “You’re looking pretty anxious, Dan.”
Another pal nodded to the debris building up around Dan’s end of the table, then said: “That’s because he’s got skin in the game.”
A delighted David Donaldson tells us this arrived in the post yesterday. He says: “I can't see how nudity at my age is going to enhance a nice Sainte-Estèphe, but I admit the wine stains will be easier to wash out.”
We mentioned birds getting cosy in unusual places.
Reader James Owen noticed a couple of robins building a home of twigs in the drainpipe outside his bedroom window.
He informed his wife that he had plans to get rid of the nest.
“Oh, don’t do that!” pleaded his wife.
James accused her of being far too kind-hearted.
“Not at all,” she countered. “With the cost of living crisis, I thought we could let the birds stay and charge them rent.”
A Diary yarn about edible crustaceans reminds Doreen Stevens of the time her 12-year-old daughter was informed that she was having seafood for dinner.
“Is it called seafood because it’s not invisible?” inquired the youngster, which confused Doreen.
Then she realised her daughter assumed it was see-food.
Another story of creative culinary magic.
Proud reader Adam Grey says: “Whoever said I can’t cook hasn’t tried my 2am handful of shredded cheese.”
“I’m reading a novel about antigravity,” reveals Steve Finley. “It’s amazing. I can’t put it down.”
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