Chelsea Market

1146 Argyle Street, Glasgow (0141 339 6909)

AS we step out into the frosty night we ask ourselves the question we always ask: would we go back? Probably, is the answer. For a drink, anyway. For a meal though? Hmmm.

There’s certainly a twinkly, sparkly attractiveness to Chelsea Market as we walk up Argyle Street and see it sitting like a jewelled glass box almost on the edge of the now-famous Finnieston strip. People outside slowing as they pass by simply to peer in through its large warm windows.

We’re directed to a booth up at the back by a bright and breezy lady who’ll dot back and forth all evening and have a pretty good grip of what’s going on. More so, perhaps, than the young (very young-looking anyway) staff who, as the evening unfolds, will seem like they are either in training, or in shock. And who will variously huddle together like little penguins or bolt up to the table to drop stuff off without making any eye contact.

But Chelsea Market has only been officially open a few days so we’ll kind of forgive them that. We’ll even, kind of, forgive them the ridiculous comedy-gold mistakes all over the menu too – though they better get those changed before the Spelling Police arrive. And it’s nice nowadays to be given a basket of warmed fresh bread, with oil and a crunchy, toasted hazelnut and cumin dip and not be strong-armed, say, £3.50 on the bill for it.

But what about the food I hear you say? We have had to wait for that. Quite a long time. There’s been a couple of mutterings about “very busy, surrr’ but actually they’re clearly not that busy at all.

The white-shirted and white-aproned staff are either clustering together at the till, or behind the bar area, or huddling round dishes when they occasionally come up from that lift. We’re sitting feet away so we can’t miss all this free entertainment. Maybe not a brilliant plan to squeeze in that extra booth for the customers where they can see into what’s effectively the back shop.

Anyway, when the food does arrive? Uh-oh. It’s all different temperatures. The mushroom on toast promised, interestingly enough, confit duck yolk, and what should be sweet caramelised lyonnaise onions yet it’s just tepid, gooey, gluey and bland.

At least the wood pigeon is nicely cooked, served with chervil, though let down by prunes wrapped in ugly, flabby white bacon.

We also have crispy lamb breast with feta and green harissa. The feta and harissa themselves are both lovely and fresh and would have made a great dish without the lamb which consists of four deep-fried fatty chunks.

Not one of these dishes looks right on the plate by the way.

Now, at this point half-way through the meal, I text a friendly fishmonger to ask if there are still day boats going out for cod. The answer is yes. Most of the Shetland boats apparently. And this is day boat cod I’m told I’m eating for my main course this Sunday night.

It’s a pleasant, though quite salty piece of fish with a good sourdough crust, piled on a bowl of haricot beans. These taste faintly sickly of butter, and have tiny, impossible-to-determine-any-salami-flavour-from slivers of greasy-tasting salami rind shaved in. No idea what the point of that is. Has anyone taste-tested this menu?

Celeriac ravioli arrive looking more like fat Chinese dumplings, packed with a hazelnut pesto, but somebody must have completely forgotten to add the fresh truffle. So it’s all a bit bland and forgettable.

There’s more, but really why go on? As usual in Glasgow nowadays a fortune has clearly been spent on fitting out this restaurant. Considerable time and care, too, has been expended making sure it looks absolutely wonderful. But the menu and the food feels like a bolted-on last-minute afterthought.

Menu: Ambitious modern Scottish mix with a good few fashionable ingredients tossed in. Spelling mistakes aside. 3/5

Atmosphere: Glittering glass-fronted palace almost on the edge of Glasgow’s Finnieston strip with a warm and cosy interior. 5/5

Service: Recently opened and not at its best, with smile training still to be completed. Slow kitchen didn’t help. 3/5

Price: Soup aside, starters £6 to £8, main courses quite reasonable at mainly under £14. 4/5

Food: New restaurant issues aside there’s more to a meal than picking the right ingredients and dishes were largely unimpressive, poorly thought out and badly finished. 5/10

Total: 20/30