Get me to the Greek, nobody actually said, but that’s where we got. Past a fake German brauhaus that the last time I looked was a fake Italian restaurant where the food was so forgettable that I forgot to review it before it disappeared. Past a soon-to-be-opened Spanish restaurant that was recently and kinda obviously a soon-to-be-closed Turkish restaurant and on into this shiny new authentic Greek restaurant with locally sourced, er, Greek food, a place bustling with optimism which was, last time I was here, a Spanish tapas joint. Bustling with optimism. You can see why they call this Hope Street.
Halloumi, then: bright, white, a splash of blue, a great picture frame with smashed plates, enthusiastic young waitresses buzzing about and a menu that’s ... what? More tapas? It's Greek tapas this time, with the exhortation that we order at least three dishes each. An exhortation delivered while Do You Wanna Funk blares from the speakers, off those hard but pretty walls setting an urgent, edgy, loud and (to me, anyway) completely un-Greek tone.
They make a decent plate of meatballs, I’ll say that, and the gyro – wrapped in soft, puffy bread, the charred meat within not tasting even slightly marinated – chips and mayo is what you vaguely remember from your holidays. We race through the dishes: an OK pork souvlaki and a couple of skewers of swordfish and prawn. I wouldn’t bother with the packet prawns if I was them, since the swordfish chunks are nice enough and at £7.45 the prawns lower the tone. The keftedes, three meatballs in a bowl, are very good, but like everything else served completely alone. And a fasolia karavisia, a stew of beans, tomato and celery, is simply pleasant. We have halloumi fries – cheese fried in a crispy batter – but as we swerved the starter selection of dips at £4.45 for tzatziki and only ordered 10 – count 'em – dishes, we’re still feeling like so far we’ve had very little to eat.
At least by the time the three marinated and grilled lamb chops (£9) arrive the music has changed. Now we’ve left Sylvester behind and are on to Boogie, Oogie, Oogie. Seriously. These top tunes may keep the staff bopping, but they’re not making us want to linger and as I may previously mentioned I’m far too old to ask anyone to turn it down without looking like, well, you know, far too old. The lamb chops are the best thing of the night anyway – tender, tasty and gone in about one bite and a nibble each. But I’m not sure you can serve just that with nothing else on the plate at this price and expect people to be happy. Maybe I’m wrong.
I do know that when the very first tapas arrived on a long oblong slate dish that stretched halfway across the table we laughed out loud and then peered very closely at it. Perched at one end were three midget dolmades that were a mouthful each, albeit with a pleasant rice and meat filling, and seemed to have been heated in a pan, leaving a slightly bitter taste to the leaves. What can I say?
The Greek salad at £5.50 was roughly hewn pepper chunks, very large tomato pieces, a reasonable dressing in the bottom and some feta on top, all in a bowl that was too small. On paper it's authentic but it's not for me.
I’ve been doing this for a while yet I can’t actually put my finger on Halloumi. Perhaps it’s because we leave paying full meal prices, but feel like we just had starters. Perhaps I shouldn’t have peered in the window of the restaurant next door to see how much they charge for a Greek salad. Maybe we should have ordered pitta to go with everything (I did order it at the end and found it kind of ordinary). Tapas? Meze? It works. On paper.
Halloumi
161 Hope Street, Glasgow (0141 204 1616)
Menu: Greek food served in tapas portions. A few reasonable flavours. Whether this works or not is up to you. Something needs a rethink – either the portions or the prices. 3/5
Atmosphere: The decor is good – dazzling white with a splash of blue and none of the usual cliches – but the music? Completely mad. 3/5
Service: Bright and cheery waitresses buzz around with enthusiasm. 4/5
Price: Tapas dishes start at under a fiver but then get all confused and you can pay £9 for three little lamb chops on their own. 3/5
Food: It's early days so maybe they’ll have a rethink, but apart from some mouthfuls of decent tasting dishes we left hungry feeling we’d eaten a selection of starters. 5/10
Total: 18/30
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